


Wrong Answers and Best Guesses

by thedirtunderyourskin



Category: Block B
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-21 23:59:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1568615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedirtunderyourskin/pseuds/thedirtunderyourskin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind,’ Jiho hears recited into his ears in his father’s voice, his mother’s voice, his pastor’s voice over and over until Jiho’s mumbling it to himself. ‘It is abomination.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wrong Answers and Best Guesses

_“When everyone else looks like a wrong answer, she says she’ll settle for being my best guess, so we lie in bed like a mess that someone’s been meaning to clean for the large part of a long while. We lie there like a pile of dirty laundry and how we’ll ever come clean is beyond me, so we don’t._

_She says 'it’s supposed to be dirty, and if by the end you haven’t hurt me then you didn’t try'.”_

 

The hotel room is pitch black. Jiho’s not sure where they are; which city or town or province they’re in. He’s not sure how many days it’s been since he had more than 3 hours sleep. He’s not sure if it’s late night or early morning. All he _is_ sure about is that if he doesn’t pay attention to each breath he takes he’d stop breathing all together.

Before he knows it, Jiho has synced his breathing with that of the boy next to him. This realization hits him like his father did when he was 12 and refused to go to church, and suddenly Jiho’s mind won’t stop, moving so fast he’s getting motion sickness. And he can’t bear to be in this room any more, this room where there’s a boy willing to get on his knees next to him and pray and lie next to him in bed like a lover.

‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind,’ Jiho hears recited into his ears in his father’s voice, his mother’s voice, his pastor’s voice over and over until Jiho’s mumbling it to himself. ‘It is abomination.’

Before he’s even aware he’s moved, Jiho finds himself kneeling in front of the toilet, dry heaving over and over. Nothing’s coming up – he’s been living off of nothing but vitamin water and breath mints for the past 2 days – but that doesn’t stop his body from trying to rid itself of its insides anyway, like it knows it’s done wrong and is now trying to reject whatever poison was injected into it.

His body finally ceases and Jiho can’t breathe, all the muscles in his chest burning and tears rolling down his cheeks due to how hard his body was trying. He falls backwards, thighs laying themselves across his calves as he catches his breath, noticing how cold he is. His body is covered in sweat, though he’s not sure if it’s from his retching of from what he was doing before that. The sheer thought of his earlier activities makes his body break out in goose bumps he wished with all his might wouldn’t appear this time.

The bathroom tiles under his knees have greyed with the passing of time and they’re cold against his skin as Jiho stands up, stumbling with his weak legs over to the sink. The vision of his own face in the mirror makes his stomach churn again and this time when the tears start falling they’re less to do with the pain in his body and more to do with the pain in his heart, in his mind, in his soul; Jiho’s not quite sure where the pain is coming from any more but he knows that it _hurts_ and he just wants it to stop, _please_ God make it stop-

Jiho drops to his knees again, his legs not being able to support his limp body as it’s overcome with sob after hushed sob and his knees stomach chest scream out in pain. He clasps his hands together and begins praying, crying out to God, crying out for the light to please save him from the darkness, it’s overtaking him and he really needs His help but the light doesn’t come. Jiho doesn’t get the sense of calm or peace he usually feels when he prays, and that’s when he realizes God must have abandoned him, He must have. After all, thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Jiho can hear it again, in his pastor’s voice as it booms throughout the church like God Himself had come down to make sure every person in His house understood. And he thought he understood – he really did – but something went wrong along the way.

 “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” Jiho begins muttering to himself, clasping his hands together even tighter, determined to try again, try harder. But as soon as he’s started, his words dry up in his mouth. What could he possibly tell God to explain how he has sinned? Where would he begin? Where _did_ it begin?

His thoughts switch to Kyung and his stomach knots itself. Jiho thinks of growing up with Kyung; they did everything, experienced everything together. They’d always held hands when no one was looking, they’d miss each other when the other wasn’t around and they had their first kiss with each other – Kyung insisted on it while Jiho refused, quoting the same Bible verse over and over until Kyung had convinced him it was just target practise, there was no ‘lying’ involved, just kissing, therefore there was no way God could be mad. That, apparently, was all the convincing Jiho needed before they linked clammy hands and kissed, then kissed again, and kept on kissing until he had forgotten there was anything _other_ than kissing Kyung.

He thinks of the memory fondly, and hates himself for it. Maybe if Jiho wasn’t such a naïve child, he wouldn’t have got himself into this mess. But then again, his mother always told him the Devil was once the most beautiful angel.

Jiho’s body wracks with another heave, leaving him coughing in its wake, as though he’s being punished for thinking of something so sinful in such a positive light.

Suddenly Jiho feels a hand on his shoulder, squeezing; comforting. It feels like forgiveness.

Kyung sighs, sitting himself down on the bathroom floor next to Jiho. His hand slides from his shoulder to the base of his back, feeling how clammy Jiho’s skin is as it goes. Jiho wants nothing more than to want to pull himself away from Kyung’s hand, from the arms now pulling him in. He wishes he could be disgusted that another man is holding him like this but he isn’t, he just lets himself be pulled into Kyung’s chest.

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself.” Kyung tells him, voice soft and worn out. This is not the first time they’ve found themselves in this position.

Kyung moves him and Jiho lets himself be shifted into a position reminiscent of a mother cradling her baby. Jiho feels himself being rocked gently from side to side and finds himself crying again before he can stop it. Kyung gently shushes Jiho, still rocking him. By now, Kyung knows better than to speak; this is Jiho’s problem he needs to overcome on his own terms, at his own pace. He would be lying if he said it wasn’t hard to have the man you love run off to vomit or repent for his sins after every time they have sex, but he would also be lying if he said that Jiho wasn’t worth it. The truth is Kyung would deal with the Jiho’s preaches and the following anxiety every day for the rest of his life if it meant Jiho acknowledged what they had; what they were.

“Kyung, thou shalt not lie with-”

But that doesn’t mean his patience wasn’t wearing thin.

“Don’t.” Kyung says, not even wanting to hear the whole sentence, “don’t let one stupid Bible quote dictate your whole life like this.”

“How can you call the word of God stupid?” Zico asks, his voice ruined but the pain still evident on his face.

“The Bible is not the word of God, Jiho, it’s the word of man. God didn’t write the Bible Himself.”

“Even so, it’s God’s message and the fact that you would dismiss it is-”

“You don’t know what God’s message is, Jiho! Neither do I!” Kyung bursts, frustration beginning to boil over. “Any one man who tries to say he knows what God wants is an idiot.”

Jiho pulls away from Kyung and the two stare at each other, eyes cold. Kyung shouldn’t have said anything, usually doesn’t, but he’s sick of this.

“I’m _tired_ , Jiho. I’m tired of having to wake you up every other night because you’re having nightmares and I’m sick of finding you crying when you think no-one’s around. I’m tired of always having to have this conversation with you.”

“I didn’t realize I was such a burden.” Jiho comments, looking wounded.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Kyung sighs, rubbing at his face, “but it shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be this hard. You shouldn’t have to feel this guilty just for being with someone you love.”

They both fall silent; the use of the word love renders both men speechless and shifts the atmosphere of the room into something unknown. The room is cold, Jiho remembers, watching as the hairs rise on Kyung’s arms. Jiho never once thought about Kyung amidst all his own confusion. Never once thought that maybe Kyung was struggling too. Jiho’s not sure what he would do if he were in Kyung’s position; if it was Kyung who run away to pray after they kissed or spat words like ‘disgusting’ or ‘evil’ at him just to make himself feel better. Never once did Jiho try to be as empathetic as Kyung has been.

“I’m sorry,” Kyung says, taking the words right out of Jiho’s mouth, “I’m sorry I make you feel like this. Sometimes I wish that I was a woman, or that we’d never met just so you wouldn’t have to feel like this. I know it’s all my fault; when I asked you to kiss me and you said no, I should have just listened. Maybe if I’d have known how much it would end up hurting you I would’ve.”

Jiho feels sick all over again at Kyung’s words, at Kyung’s defeated voice, at Kyung’s downtrodden posture. Jiho never realized how hard Kyung had been fighting, and the idea of Kyung giving up now makes his eyes sting. Jiho wants to be mad and ask why he would even think like that, but he knows why. Sometimes he’s wished the same thing.

“I wish… I wish I could walk away from you. I know it’d be hard at first but maybe… maybe if I wasn’t around you’d be able to forgive yourself and move on. You could find what you’re looking for, maybe a beautiful girl-”

“Kyung, no, no I- I don’t want a beautiful girl. I want you; I’ve always wanted you so please don’t leave. I know it’s hard sometimes but please, Kyung, please don’t leave me.” Jiho is terrified, begging. He’s gripping onto Kyung’s hands with pure desperation, tear filled eyes looking at him earnestly. Kyung can feel him shaking.

“Jiho, do you have any idea how hard it is to see you like this, knowing it’s my fault?” Kyung’s own eyes are filling with tears, his voice becoming as desperate as Jiho’s. “I’m supposed to be the one who makes you happy, but all I do is cause you pain.”

“No, Kyung, you don’t. You don’t cause me any pain.” Kyung begins to protest but Jiho shushes him, bringing their foreheads together while stroking the hair at the base of his scalp. “What causes me pain is not knowing whether or not God still loves me and whether or not I’ll still be welcomed into Paradise. What causes me pain is being thinking about the times I sat in church being told people like me – _us_ – go to hell. What causes me pain is that I can’t take you home to my parents and tell them what we are because I’m scared of what my dad might do and that I can’t walk down the street holding your hand because I’m scared of what people might think. _None_ of that is your fault, Kyung, _none_. All you do; all you’ve ever done is love me. And don’t you _ever_ think of that as a bad thing.”

“I wish you’d listen to yourself sometimes.” Kyung says, and they both laugh weakly at Jiho’s hypocrisy. Jiho wraps his arms around Kyung and pulls him into his lap where Kyung immediately positions his head under Jiho’s chin. It’s a rare occurrence that Jiho is ever this open and tactile, so Kyung liked to take advantage when he was.

“Besides, if it wasn’t you, it’d just be some other boy with pretty lips and big eyes.” Jiho jokes, wiping Kyung’s cheeks. Kyung hits him weakly and they both laugh with more heart this time.

There are times like this. There are times when Jiho’s ok with what he is, what they are. There are times when he’s ok with loving Kyung and laughing with him and holding him like this because Kyung was his friend first and at some point they just became more. There was never any intention for them to become lovers or boyfriends, it just happened. And sometimes, when Jiho finds Kyung writing alone with his glasses on or when Kyung comes and finds him at 3am because they had argued, he feels like he loves Kyung so much it could burst out of his body. It’s at times like that Jiho is so sure God hand made them for each other that he doesn’t worry about some Leviticus verse and instead pulls Kyung tighter, almost feeling like Kyung was God’s gift to Jiho.

But there are other times. There are times when Jiho can’t look Kyung in the eye, where he detests being touched by another man so much he insists the male store clerk puts his change on the counter instead of in his hand to avoid their fingers grazing. Times when he’ll sit in a confession box or a hotel bathroom and plead for forgiveness or punishment of sins Jiho knows he will commit again. But that doesn’t stop the guilt clawing its way up his throat and rendering his voice useless when Kyung asks where he’s been all night.

Both Kyung and Jiho know this. They know they’ve got a long, long way to go before they could even begin to consider themselves a normal couple, or even a couple at all. They know it’s going to be hard and tiring and there’ll be more arguments like this. But Kyung would move the Heavens and the Earth for Jiho in a heartbeat, and sometimes Jiho thinks that what he has in his arms right now is worth spending eternity in Hell for.

 

_“She places love above all else then protests that I use the word love too freely in poems and I should really just say what I mean._

_And I suppose what I mean most is that I’m trying.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Both end and beginning quotes from My Darling, Sara by Shane Koyczan
> 
> This is the first time I'm posting anything in the kpop fandom which is terrifying so please be kind I'm sensitive and very very rusty. Sorry if there are any inaccuracies; I'm not very religious so I tried to research the best that I could.
> 
> Also sorry for the angst.


End file.
